Thursday, 2 May 2013

Keeping Positive when you're around Negativity

Keeping Positive when you're around Negativity

Everything is energy, including our thoughts and emotions.  Emotions are contagious. When you around someone and they are stressed, our natural reaction may be to feel upset too. Sometimes when you walk into a room, you can feel that the other person is stressed. It means you have empathy which is normal.

If you feel upset by another person's words, it may be because of an insecurity or fear in you. If you heal your insecurities and fears, then their words will not affect you.

Others cannot destroy your inner peace, unless you let them.

Build up your self-confidence.

With enough self-confidence, other peoples negativity cant affect you, and you might even influence the other person to be more positive. So, be sure about who you are and your own beliefs and values. Take care of yourself and value yourself. Being true to yourself is not selfish or unloving. Be true to yourself because you love others. By no longer enabling their behavior, they may learn to be responsible for themselves. By being true to yourself, you are also an encouragement to others to be true to themselves.
You can choose how you feel, and others cannot – unless you let them. They will probably respect you more if you respect yourself. It is impossible to please everybody, so do what you believe is right. Here are some things you can do to strengthen your self-confidence:

- Do this each morning, and when you need to during the day: Go into a quiet room or outside by yourself, close your eyes, and take some slow, deep breaths. Say some positive affirmations such as: I am strong, valuable and loved, No-one can define how I feel but me, I choose to be positive, I choose to be happy, I choose to have a great day. I am deserving of love and respect. I attract positive people. If people try to pull me down, it is about them, not me, and I choose not to take it on.

- Make a conscious decision to be positive even if you come across negativity. When you do come across negativity, you can stop and ask yourself: Is this feeling my own stress or their stress? If it yours, you need to deal with it, if it is theirs, you can decide not to take it on, or just let it go. It doesn't mean you are uncaring. You can help the person and be there for them without taking on their negativity yourself.

Don't take it personally.

It is more about them than it is about you.

Understanding why they are negative really helps. All people who are being negative, are that way because they are afraid of something. An angry person may be afraid of losing control, or afraid of not being understood. A critical person may have been hurt in the past and are afraid of being hurt again.  They may be stuck in negative beliefs. Whatever the reason – the root cause of negativity is fear, every time. This person really feels bad and is suffering with their negativity. Think about what their intention may be. What are they trying to achieve? If their intention is good, that is a common ground that you can focus on with them. If they feel you care about the same intention as them, they may feel better.

Tips on talking with negative people:

You may have to have a difficult conversation with the person to work things out. Here are some tips to help you communicate with them:

- Listen. You can help calm this person by offering understanding, compassion and respect. You don’t have to agree with them, just acknowledge their point of view. The best way to get this person to listen to you is for you to listen to them first.

- Calmly and confidently tell them want you would like to achieve and why. Tell the person how they can benefit from what you are suggesting. Make it a win-win.

- Stick to the topic at hand. It could get very complicated if you or the other person bring up unrelated issues or things from the past. Stick to one topic and ask the other person to as well.

- Do not try to change the other person or force them to do what you want or to agree with you. It is impossible to force another person to change. They are free to choose what they will do, as are you.

- Using "I" statements will reduce their defensiveness. "I" statements mean you own what you are saying and not accusing them of anything. For example, instead of saying: "You are insulting me", you could say: "I feel insulted when you say that".

- Unwanted advice and criticism: Some advice you can appreciate, when it's given kindly and respectfully. Some is insulting, ignorant or disrespectful. In these cases, you could say something like: “thank you for your advice, I have considered what you said, but have decided to because it is working well for me.”

- To avoid being bullied, the best thing to do is not get upset or give in to their demands. They want you to be upset, if you get upset, they think they won. Don’t play their game. When they figure out it isn't working, they will move on.

 The evil-doer is insulting himself by trying to insult you.” ~ Buddha

- The “JADE” Technique:
Use the Jade technique, to avoid getting into an argument. If someone is saying things that are untrue, disrespectful or insulting, don’t JADE: J = Justify A = Argue D = Defend E = Explain. If you “Jade”, you are allowing them to continue harassing you, and you may get into a pointless argument that goes nowhere. Just say “no” and walk way.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him”~ Prov 26:4


I hope these tips help you with dealing with negativity. If you can, avoid the negativity and seek out positive friends, spend time around positive people as much as you can, and do the things that make you happy!
I will finish with this awesome poem by Rudyard Kipling.  Even though it says “man” at the end, I think it applies to women also:

If” by Rudyard Kipling.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too; 

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; 

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same; 

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools; 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"; 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Got any tips or stories? Got any questions? Please hit reply with a comment. :)


  1. Maybe its due to mourning the loss of my dad, but I have found some people who do not want to look you in the eye - let alone get them to work on a problem (past or present) that effects not only you, but others' opinion and non-interaction with you. And, when there are family secrets still being guarded, they continue their 'avoidance-avoidance' scenario; unwilling to look at both sides of the same issue from an 'open mind point of view'. No positive attitude will ever get them to budge if doing so will compromise their position in the family where their position would be brought into question by even their immediate family. Their family that is supposed to be your family too. There is little I can do to bridge the communication gap - when the one doing the avoiding does so to 'keep in control'; while inside they are totally out of control. In a case such as this - having self-confidence is over-inflated on the part of the one doing the avoiding, and as such there is little to break the bubble around them. I have all the confidence I need and would love to work, as always, toward positive and away from anymore negative family conflict.

    "When one turns a negative into positive ... we change our little corner of the world ... and when each person is able to change a little of themselves for the good ... maybe one day, there might be a chance for real peace in everyone's little corner of the world." Vow's Verse Especially for You" 5/5/13

    1. That's a nice quote too, thank you for that :)

  2. Hi Darlene, big hugs to you! you are going through a difficult time. I know first hand how frustrating it is dealing with family like this, and even with all the suggestions in my article, there are some people that just wont change. I have relatives that deny things that have happened, and say things happened that didn't and wont face their own issues and fears even when they are hurting others in the process. They do it to maintain their power because they are afraid. I have had to learn not to trust them, not to rely on them and have had to grow stronger and become more independent, so I won't need their support anymore. I have had to become more confident so their nasty comments don't affect me so badly, although they still do to a certain extent. I have accepted that they will never give me resolution for the wrongs done by them, I can only get resolution for myself by letting it go. Yes it's unfair, but to continue to hold onto that pain only hurts me, it makes no difference to them. I wish you all the best Darlene, and you know I am here for you. (hugs)

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